I havent PT’d in several days…I want to say a week…but Im not sure of that. I’m battling hard against my food addiction but I can’t seem to shake it, even when I’m eating well. I feel like a heroin addict. Even when Im clean and not using, its all I can think about. I picture myself eating so many things and even when Ive just finished a healthy portion controlled meal that has filled me up…Im still so hungry. I’m always hungry. And I dont mean physically. I mean Im hungry for the breif euphoria that comes with binging (sp?). Even though I know that binging doesnt fill the void either. Even when I binge I’m still hungry. Only that hunger is an emotional one.
I hate this. I hate this cloud following me around and standing over my shoulder in all that I do. Do recovered addicts ever stop thinking about their drug? Does the need and desire ever go away or do they just…cope.
I cant find any exercise that doesnt make me feel like a sack of rocks jumbling around. Everything I find fun is too much for my overloaded frame.
I am so completely and utterly lost at this point. While I know giving up is not an option I feel like Ive entered a maze from hell that I will never get out of. There is no light at the end of this tunnel.
Josh is trying hard to be supportive but Im not making it easy. Ive been in tears more than once after a failed attempt at working out and nothing he says is what I want to hear. Once he even said “The Jaimee I know wouldn’t just give up like that…” which made me feel even worse bc I want so badly to keep going but I cant. On the one hand he says what I NEED to hear which is good, but on the other hand he just doesnt get it. He’s not 80lbs overweight. He doesnt experience the same daily struggles I do being so large. And he will never understand what it feels like to struggle to pick yourself up off the floor, to have to sit down and tie your shoes bc your belly is in the way. To lay down and feel all your fat settle in your neck. To sit down and glance in a mirror and realize you look like jabba the hut. It is so completely devestating. It wrecks your self esteem, your dignity, your self respect. Demolishes any sex drive or self worth.
Times like this I am reminded that I have no parents and any family I do care about are in other states. My mother has given me a debilitating fear and aversion to talking on the phone and despite my husbands gallant and endearing attempts to help, I feel isolated and alone.