So the apple tarts thing is completely irrelevant. It rhymed with fresh starts. Although an apple tart does sound yummy.
Anyway, I’m jumping back on the wagon. Last month, I was going to try this 30 day program called Whole30 and that just did NOT pan out. Honestly I’m not strong enough to complete such a program. Maybe once some of the weight is off and I’ve gotten a better hold on my COE, but for now, not happening.
I did, however, come to the realization that I had fallen off. I KNEW I had fallen off I just had chosen not to acknowledge it. My husband and I got into a pretty serious fight a week or so ago and I really feel it was a turning point in our marriage (in a good way…an AMAZING way). It also helped me realize how miserable and beaten down I was. My self esteem is so fragile and even when its been puffed up a bit, it is still very easily trampled. After the fight, things got so much better and I honestly didn’t realize how miserable I’d been until I was happy again. Now that I’m happy again, I find myself newly motivated to get back to my weight loss endeavors. I have already begun planning my anniversary wedding photo shoot/party for next July and I already have my wedding dress picked out. I’d like to buy it in a size 8 and wear it well 🙂
Back to Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution, though this time I will be doing in in socks instead of sneakers, as I think my shoes catching on the carpet significantly added to my frustration. I will be tracking my food and exercise again and trying to stick to a 1200 – 1600 calorie diet. There is such a fluctuation bc for some reason some days I am just nauseous (no I am not pregnant, thank you) and don’t have much of an appetite. Especially in the mornings. (Again, I know for a fact I am not pregnant.) I’d like to aim for another 10lb loss in the next 5 weeks. Although I will measure myself this time and focus more on how I feel and how I look, than on the weight.
I am not currently taking my medication and haven’t for several weeks if not months. Despite that, I feel fine and I think that if I take control of my life (and also with some therapy) I can manage my depression and COE on my own. My anxiety is another issue though, and I plan to talk to my doctor about that.
In this month of thankfulness and at the beginning of the next two months of the holiday season, I am eternally grateful for all the amazing relationships and people in my life that I don’t often enough take the time to nurture. It is all too easy to get snagged in the powerful current of everyday life and stresses. I have been blessed with some of the smartest, most loving and compassionate friends and family a girl could ever hope for. I so easily sink into pity parties about not having any parents to turn to or all of the ways I feel I’ve been cheated or the things I’ve been cheated out of and I plan to work on that. I plan to focus on the future and stop living in the past. I want to forgive in the way of Oprah’s definition of forgiveness: Giving up the hope that things could have been any different. I am grateful for the family still in my life that have made it quite clear I am loved and accepted for who I am. I am grateful for my close circle of friends who have boosted my confidence at every turn and to my husband for loving my specific brand of crazy. All of these people have also shown and taught me the most basic and simple form of love: unconditional love. Through these people I can do great and amazing things and I find no shame in leaning on them for the strength to heal and move forward.