Early last week I woke up one morning and could feel the all too familiar pressure building behind my eyes that was a precursor to the nasty migraine I would have to deal with later.
Side bar: Menstral migraines have plagued me since Aiden was born, but the last couple months they’ve gotten steadily worse. I also have high blood pressure. I’ve had it for a while and it caused some significant issues when I was pregnant with Aiden. I am notoriously a terrible patient though and have never once taken any of the blood pressure meds I’ve been given. Me and pills have never gotten along. Pain meds, birth control, even just cold medicine. I’d rather suffer than take a pill.
This particular day, though, the pain just kept building and wouldn’t quit. By lunch at work I was in tears and ready to claw my face off. Luckily I am surrounded my doctors and nurses and someone took my BP. It was 173/129. Normal is 120/80. My boss let me go home but Josh asked me to go to the ER. They gave me IV meds to bring the blood pressure down and morphine for the pain. The morphine only just took the edge off and the second it started to wear off I knew it. By the time they discharged me and the shuttle dropped me off at my car, I was fighting back vomit. I somehow managed to drive home, took a Vicodin and passed out in bed. The headache subsided by that night but over the next four days a small headache and nausea plagued me. The ER had told me to start taking the BP meds my doc had prescribed me but I’d never taken. I did that. But after four days of not feeling well I had them take my BP again and it was 160/114. Not nearly as bad but still terrible and explained the headache and nausea. I got in to see a nurse practitioner at my PCP’s office. I’m now on good meds to lower my BP and a low salt diet.
Doctors have been talling me all year, straight to my face “You’re going to die.”. ” Your kidneys are going to fail.” “You’re going to have a stroke or die.”. And I never listened. Why?! Its not like I don’t take them seriously. I watched my mom have a mini stroke when she was 37. I watched my mom die. I know death. But for some reason, sitting in that emergency room, it hit me. I was finally scared. Yesterday as I waited to see the doctor I was so furious with myself. Why?!!! What the f**k is wrong with me that I’m willing to let it get this bad because I don’t like pills?!?! Really?!?! I could have died. I could have left my 3 year old son with no mom and my husband a 30 year old widower. Or worse, I could have had a stroke eventually and been a vegetable. A burden on my husband and son for a lifetime.
So, no more. I’ve let my past and the people who have wronged me dictate my present and future. I am who I am right now because of ME. I have let myself go terribly and its inexcusible. I need to be healthy and present for my husband and my son. Not overweight and slowly killing myself because of hurt that took place a lifetime ago. Its time to take me back and do some renovating.
My husband and I have been gardening and building and engaging each other again after so many years of shift work and separation.
Today we PT’d together and I bought healthy groceries (I usually buy healthy groceries, but I am a compulsive overeater and I binge. I’m hoping I can get the binge eating under control by remembering that doing so is killing me. Is this pack of cookies worth dying over? Is sneaking this extra meal at work when no one is looking worth losing my life over? No. None of it.
PT today was brutal. We walked down Walter Reed hill, ran a mile, and then walked UP Walter Reed hill. I almost barfed. Currently my ribs and diaphragm feel like I was beaten up. My feet are killing me. But I want to do more because I hate feeling like this. Weak, and shaky and pathetic. I want to get strong so I don’t have to feel like this ever again. I want to run as fast and as long as my husband can. I want to walk into Target and see a cute dress and be able to buy it for less than the $80 a big girl clothes store would charge. I want to pass a mirror and not be disgusted.
I want my outside to look like I feel inside!